It’s been a while since I made anything. I’ve been feeling lost, unworthy (I’m sure lots of creative reading this will understanding these feelings of doubt and occasional, resulting self-loathing) and a couple of weeks ago I came to a decision. Rather than accept some paid marketing work I would turn my energies into investing in me, the person I want to be, the life I want to live.
I want to believe that I am an artist. I want to be more creative but I’m “blocked”.
I’ve been looking for a residency since the beginning of the year but what I am looking for is hard to find. There are lots of residencies for people to develop an idea but what I want is immerse myself in creativity for a week or so, meet like minded people and just play. Those are very hard to come by.
So, in the meantime, I have begun to take steps to feel more creative. I’ve enrolled in a singing course in the autumn, I’ve booked on to a couple of workshops and I have emailed some contacts to offer my services in supporting people making work as a body in the room or more. I have also purchased a new copy of the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (on recommendation from a couple of people, again).
Following The Artist’s Way feels a little like going back to the beginning but perhaps that is what I need. To start again and try and do this properly. Work out what I really want to do and where I’d like to be. I think I know but maybe if I approach this with a little more structure I can work out how to actually get there.
So while I am doing this twelve week* programme I am also (she writes optimistically) going to be doing lots of reading, about making, and some of it about writing, to try and help me define my (intended) practice. As I write this questions about revisiting the Performance MA I once started begin to circulate. Would that help or hinder? I’d like to think it would potentially introduce me to new collaborators but I’m still not sure it’s the answer I am looking for.
At the end of all this, I may have a very firm idea of what I want to make and how I would like to make it (I suspect as part of an ensemble/creative team) and still not be able to make that happen… I think that is the thing that scares me most but I’m also prepared to be surprised.
If you feel like following, I will be tracking my process in the programme using the hashtag #bemorecreative
*This is the length of time dictated by the book but I know others who have used it over a considerably longer period and still found it useful.