Loneliness is a place without you

I am thinking a lot about unrequited love and not just because of the research for the show but because of where I am at. It’s been a rare occurrance over the last few years for me to find someone who makes such an impact and leaves such a lasting impression but there it is.

It’s an uncomfortable thing to discuss (in fact it is a hard thing for me to even write), I suppose that is why it is so isolating. No-one wants to hear how sad you are, how much you yearn for someone who does not/cannot love you back. No-one wants to be reminded of how it feels to be rejected. After they’ve given the usual platitudes of “Their loss” and “You deserve better”, or the like, what else is there for them to say? It is not a problem they can solve and those are not the words I want to hear, so, I haven’t really been talking about it. I’ve been keeping this pain from my closest friends.

The worst thing is that I find it makes me question myself, my worth, my place in the world. To be rejected, or simply not noticed, by the person you most want to be close to can lead to a rise in self-doubt and self-loathing. Clearly, (they think) you aren’t good enough for them… and the fact that I feel this way and have these thoughts makes me like myself even less (deeply helpful). I like to think of myself as independent, capable and self-sufficient. I do not define myself through the presence of another, but I don’t want to be alone forever either.

As I have mentioned many, many times I am not opposed to spending time alone but missing someone specific and being separated from the people/person I love provides a particularly intense sensation of loneliness. This ache accentuates the solitude. It’s a sharp sting, a keen longing that permeates everything and no-one else can help me. It’s just one of those annoying things that takes a long time and a lot of heartache. It WILL get better (or so I keep telling myself). It did the last time, and the time before, and the time before that…

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